Hey pal, you got a minute? I need some advice.

Okay, here's the short version: I managed to get pretty much every girl in town mad at me. I was kinda secretly dating Sasha, Moira and Vanessa at the same time. They found out about it, and now I can't even go for a haircut without getting chased out of the salon with a straight razor.

Everything I try is hopeless. I've tried hitting on them, I've tried sending them letters explaining how awesome I am... I've even tried walking around with my shirt off. It's hopeless. These crazy chicks won't respond to logic or reason or washboard abs. Do you think you could help me out with this?

Okay, here's what I'm thinking: maybe I need to get some more perspectives on this situation. I need some advice, but I can't mess up my reputation by asking another dude about the ladies. Do you think you could be a pal and talk to some of the other dudes around here? Edmund is pretty... you know... old. He must have tons of experience with girls. Maybe you should start with him.

You can find him at his shop, as usual.

Hello there USER! What's that? You need something from me?

You require information about attracting women? What do I look like, a public library?

Sorry, but secrets are for paying customers only. I'd kindly ask you to buy something or move along.

Thank you for choosing H.R. Wesley! Now, I suppose you'll want me to tell you that secret now. In my experience, the way to a lass's heart is simple: sophistication. That's all there is to it. Tell your friend to look sharp and maintain his dignity at all times. Perhaps a monocle would help. Nothing says sophistication like a monocle!

Well, run along now. I've told you all there is to know about male charm. Return from whence you came!

Did you get any good info about the ladies from Edmund?

Sophistication, eh? Perfect! I'm totally sophisticated. Maybe the ladies just don't notice I'm sophisticated because I'm so good looking. I should buy a monocle or something. Hmm, we need some more info...

Now, why not go talk to Logan? He's pretty grizzled, I bet the ladies really go for that. See if you can find out his secret.

He's probably at his shop, the Ole Fishing Hole.

Ah, so this friend of yours needs a little help with the girlies, eh? Ye've come ta the right guy. I've seen it all. I've had dates with fat girls, skinny girls, ugly girls... did I already say fat girls? Anyway, you name it, I seen it. Maybe even one or two girls who weren't really... ya know... girls.

Ya want my advice? I dunno, kid, I don't give out my advice to just anyone. You gotta show that yer rugged enough to take the advice of a real man.

Say, how about you bring me a fish? I can't respect another human being until they've caught a fish. Catch me a Blue Bass and I'll tell you tales about women the like you've never heard!

(Go to "Games" in the site's navigation and choose "Fishing" in the pull-down menu to go fishing!)

Ah, a fine fishy! Thanks bub, this is perfect. Okay, now let me show you how to win a lady's heart. You can fool some girls with yer flashy clothes and fancy poetry, but to really impress a girl, here's what ya need to know. Ready? Okay, watch close:

*URMPH* ... *BLARGH* ... *CHOMP*

Okay, ya see what I did there, bub? I just bit the head clean off'n that wriggling fish. See, a lady's gotta know that you're a real rugged character, or else she's never gonna respect ya.

You go tell your buddy that. That's the best advice yer ever gonna get.

What did that salty old sea dog Logan have to say about women?

Rugged, huh? That's surprisingly good advice coming from a dude who smells like low tide. Yeah, he's probably right. I'd better work on getting a little more rugged. I'd better go find a fish...

Wow, this is great advice so far. Y'know who else you might wanna talk to? Bludeau. He's one of the robots at the Faktori. He's always talking about emotions and love and stuff. He seems like a pretty deep kinda guy.

You want to talk to me? Is this what is known as "friendship"?

Advice about... female love? Oh, you fleshy devil, you mock me so cruelly!

I cannot feel love, for I am but a box of brass and springs and electric gut stuff. I will never experience the things you humans take for granted: the touch of flesh, the joy of emotions, the exquisite pain of laying an egg.

Nonetheless, I have made many observations about this thing called love. I would happily share these insights with you, but I must ask a favor in return.

I want to feel the sensation of love! Please, find me three butterflies - a red, blue, and yellow one, so that I might enclose them in my chest cavity. Perhaps their fluttering will somehow trick me into feeling an emotion. Do this for me, and I will give you advice for your friend to process.

You must hurry! My robological clock is ticking!

(Hint: Buy a Bug Catching Net from The Ole Fishing Hole and go to Gaia Towns to hunt butterflies!)

Ah! Butterflies! Let me just put them in here... *CLANK*

Alas, the butterflies had no effect, other than gumming up my SPEEechh Cirrrcut a little BBBBit. But yyyess, now I givvve ad-vice. To get hearts of female ladywoman, must express you heart! Time you write poem on lady. Give lady poem, feels love, lady love forever.

Hheere, I make poem for lady. TELL friend to use poem to lady:

O Lady,
So fine you lady.
O am enjoy in mine heart,
Taste of lady lick mine brain.
Lady give thee to me
O lady must be mine
FOREVER I WANT LADY
Give love now me.

AH yes, this poetry give love in ANY lady. Give love words at friend?

So, have you talked with Bludeau yet? That guy is all about love.

Whoa, this poem is GREAT! That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Oh man, between the sophistication and the ruggedness and this amazing poem, the girls are definitely going to flip out about what an amazing guy I am.

Okay, I think I've got all the advice I need. Hey, could you do me one last favor? I need you to deliver these letters to Sasha, Vanessa and Moira. I wish I could see their faces when they look at these letters and realize that I'm, like, pretty much the deepest and most romantic dude of all time throughout history.

Start with Sasha... I'm pretty sure we had a moment once!

A letter from Liam? This had better be good, or I'm going to freak out...

EEeeeEEEEwwww! That CREEP! Is this, like, his stupid idea of a joke?

You go tell that little dork Liam that if I ever see him again, I'll punch him in his stupid face!

Oohoo, you look red in the face - I'm guessing Sasha was gushing right?

No, no, don't tell me yet! You still have a few letters to deliver...

Take that letter to Moira, post haste! (Get it? Post haste? Heh heh...) She always calls me a dog. She must think I'm as cute as a puppy!

What? A letter from Liam? Since when can he write? Okay, I guess I'll check it out, if only to satisfy my morbid curiosity...

Yeah, real funny, Liam. What a jerk. He already humiliated me, now he wants to taunt me about it, too?

Go tell Liam I'll see him real soon, and when I do, I'll be wearing my ass-kicking cleats.

Oh wow, you're sweating! I hope Moira didn't give you some of the lovin' that was meant for me. *wink wink*

Liam interrupts you mid-sentence -

Say no more! She's going to be visiting me soon? Dude, Logan was spot-on with the fish munching action! Only one girl left...

Okay buddy, you've been a big help so far! Just one more letter to go, to the lovely Vanessa. She's into some crazy stuff, I hope she's not put off by my romantic gesture!

Oh, so Liam sent you? Normally I'd tell you to get the hell out of here, but these hairspray fumes have put me in a good mood. Let's see this letter of his.

Ooh... kinky. I like. You go tell Liam to meet me at... hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell is "Vasessena?" That little weasel spelled my name wrong!

Go tell your little buddy Liam that if he ever gets near me again, I'll tie him a knot he won't soon forget - and not in the good way, either.

Aha, just the guy I was hoping to see. You delivered all the letters! I want to know in detail what happened, word for word!

What? They didn't like the letter? That's insane! Those chicks are crazy! I just can't win. I guess I'll have to live the rest of my life as a hermit or something.

Nah, don't worry, I'll get this thing figured out somehow. Maybe I'll ask for your advice again sometime.

Anyway, thanks for trying to help, at least. What am I going to do with all these photos of me? I had a ton of them printed! You might as well keep one of these stupid pictures, since nobody else seems to want them.